.skies.over.markham.

two lovers twined like wick

twitching in twilit light

burning down and out like stars

winking

.folding.maps.

every visit: a thumbnail

digging creases along highways,

crinkling the continent
into itself in 

the self-embrace of a map that
has remembered how

to fold itself back up again

two poems, one lonely night

Poem

Today you are a sparrow
and I watch you
flit from twig

girl to girl you are
insufferable
in the spring

the season long
song of a mistake
I keep repeating

Circling, I was in Love

My heart makes
wide circles
like a starved
buzzard

above you
when we walk
together you look
past the clocktower

you say
this grey weather
gets to you
after all

.משפתי.עץ.

יש במרחק בינינו

רק מילים. בתוך

אוזניי יש באז

שלא בא מעצמי

המילים הלוהטות האלה

הן עלים של עץ

שמעבר שורשו מעדנו

וגם הפכנו לבעלים של

הדבר אחת הזה

בפעם הזהה

.house.guest:becca.

Becca

Jan 21 - 23

Becca came up to visit me on somewhat of a whim, buying tickets while on the phone with me only a few days beforehand.
I can't think of the weekend having been any better. I'm serious. We farted under blankets. We leveled up. I cooked her the dinners I promised I'd cook her over half a year ago.
We took an Epic Staycation side quest, and racked up XP like it was December 1999 and my mom was filling bathtubs with emergency water.

****

So I thought that since we watched 2012 last night, we should talk about the Apocalypse and your thoughts on it, and what it might entail.

The only thing that really comes to mind is reading stuff about global warming and how they expect--I don't know who they is, but it seems like consensus is that in the next 50 years, if things keep going as they are, Cape Cod will disappear. So my brother and I were talking about investing in some land in inland Massachusetts so that it would become beach front by the time we're retired.

I went on this vacation with my now ex one time, and it was in the Outer Banks, and we were talking about the same thing: all the houses were on the shore, and we were like, we should just start buying property half a mile in or something.

Yeah.

You think it'll look anything like the movie?

No. No, that movie was horrible. That movie was Waterworld: the prequel.

But Waterworld was good, in a weird kitschy way.

Lines like "I'll put you in a jar" are cool.

I haven't seen it for a while.

Me neither, but my best friend had two movies: she had Biodome--no she had three movies: she had Biodome, Indiana Jones--the young Indiana Jones--and Waterworld. So I've seen those three movies... plus I had two movies at my house: I had Aladdin and Mission Impossible. So those are the five movies I've watched a thousand times as a child, not because I particularly like them, but... they stick with me.

So do you have a favourite movie then? Is it one of those?

No, it's Purple Rain.

I haven't seen that either. I haven't seen a lot of movies, but my excuse is that I didn't live in this country for most of my childhood.

We're going to need to watch Purple Rain. Purple Rain is...

How come we didn't download that. What the fuck.

Because I didn't... it didn't occur to me.

We did watch Sixteen Candles, though.

Which was good, minus the whole... racism

Which seemed to just be this extra layer of

fucking unnecessary

superfluous nonsense. ...So the way you're lying on the couch right now is like some perfect typical Freudian psychoanalysis shit going on.

I could say some Freudian shit.

Yeah? You had to read Freud?

Yeah. I started to, but then, sharing this as someone who personally had a cocaine addiction, when I read Freud, I just see some fucking dickhead who had a major raging coke addiction. And if you have personally had that, when you read his stuff, it just drips bullshit and coke. Like all over the place. You know that. I mean, you see this stuff, and the first thing I thought was, dude, this guy just did so many lines before he wrote this, and that's why he's jumping from topic to topic with so much fucking self-assurance. And he can jump from like little babies to incest to Greek myths to ...whatever. I hate him.

Did you ever have any of these thoughts when you were on cocaine?

No, when I was on coke, I was really into the physics of music: like sine waves really got interesting and I really wanted to talk about them.

Just sine waves or--

A lot of bad things happened too, but at least as far as nerd stuff.

What about square waves?

I don't... maybe? A lot of ...that, is all gone now.

You didn't write it down? You could have been the next Freud, high on cocaine, writing down crazy shit. Is there anything specific, then, that you don't like about Freud? I know we were talking about sex and gender before.

He's just a fucking idiot. I'm trying to think of specifics here. I think he was just whole idea of different stages that you go through, and getting caught in like the anal stage or the phallic stage and whatever is complete bullshit. He doesn't even deal with women.

I feel like a common criticism is that he is very phallocentric and androcentric.

It's just a load of shit, and I feel like it set people back. Although on the other hand, I haven't finished this conversation so I don't know enough. My therapist is one of my favourite people and has a PhD in psychology or psychiatry, or both I think. She says that Freud is pretty awesome and does contribute a lot more than I give him credit for. He did start talk therapy. I just think that as a feminist, and many other things, my bias against him outweighs the good part, and maybe I take talk therapy for granted because it's always been around me.

I guess, because I had to read him last term, and whereas the specifics of perversions and etc. etc. might not have been anything I agreed with, but I felt like he was really influential and he introduced ideas of, like, the subconscious. Everyone talks about the subconscious, unconscious mind now. And so yeah, I think he is a lot more than what he commonly gets pegged with.

It's cool, but then he gets so abstract with some ideas about how superego, the ego and the id interact that... It's like he gets off topic and carried off into his own little world where he's created these three things and when you try to relate it back to a human being you've gone so far off track at times.

Did you ever get the feeling while reading it that if you met him real life, he'd just be this big jerk?

I've never really thought about that; I don't know.

So, if you could meet some now dead intellectual, who would it be?

Damn. .......that's not something I can answer quickly.

That's all right; I'll expect a list later.
I think I've always wanted to talk to you about music, since I've heard you play piano and I'm always glad that I play music first, because then you play and I don't feel like I can touch an instrument for a while. I think clearly there's a lot of ...connection that you have with music. I remember we were talking about something and you said--it was a movie, you said you didn't care about the movie but you cared just because it had a good soundtrack.

Ravenous. Yeah, it goes with this landscape and the music sounds like the landscape looks. It was shot at the base of the Rockies, I think. It's kind of similar to the whole Donner Party story. You know it's going to some cannibalistic hell, but what makes it so scary is like... this music just does it. I can't... I'm not very good at talking, but seriously. Music for me is so much emotion. When I was growing up, my father and mother both played the piano, and I remember hearing my mom playing Chopin's Nocturnes. They just got me so emotional as a kid. And in the summertime, when it was hot out, we always had the windows open because we never had AC, and my dad would play ragtime. And it was cool. I would be on the floor and just hear it.

So did you get into music on your own, or did your parents really encourage you? or both?

I begged for lessons, and lessons are expensive, so it wasn't until I was seven that I started. And they really encouraged it. My father especially. We played together. I think they realized that I had something one night when I was sick. I came downstairs because I was having like an asthma attack and they were listening to some show on the stereo, like some symphony, and I heard it and I absorbed it, and I walked over to the piano and like--it was stupid, but like the last chord, I just hit the same notes on the piano. I just hit them without any touching first and they were like, Oh...man, our nine year old knows something. So that was when they started pushing a little more. Yeah, they pushed me harder to practice, but never that hard.

Well, it sounded like you were really self-motivated.

I was really motivated with that stuff. Not quite enough, but pretty... there. I think I always wanted to be as good as my father was at it. But then when I started getting maybe a little better than him, I started losing a little motivation.

Are you better than your mother?

Yeah. She doesn't practice like she's supposed to.

Did you brother also learn piano?

He played piano, but he wasn't really that into it. He played the sax for a while. He doesn't anymore. He had a problem with the piano because his finger joints bend funny. 

That's actually kind of funny because growing up, I did a lot of rock climbing and your fingers aren't supposed to bend the way you just did with the last joint going backwards because it fucks up your tendons when you put a lot of pressure on them. So I grew up never doing that, and as a result my fingers don't really bend too much like that. But I remember learning some chords on guitar, some of those jazz chords, and you have to do those ...selective bar chords or whatever, and I was like, ah fuck, I wish my fingers bent like that because I could hold down the right strings. I didn't really think of that until I saw someone really good play and I saw that they were doing that. Maybe I need to do push ups on my fingertips or something.

That's why I quit Tae Kwon Do when I was little, because of those push ups.

Fingertip push ups? or just push ups?

The fingertip ones.

How long did you take TKD for? 

Six weeks.

But now you're going to take boxing.

Hopefully. I don't know if it's going to be a reality. I can't find it listed for spring courses.

Are there any last things you want to say? Advice? Resolutions?

I think people should learn to be comfortable with uncertainty. That's about all I got.

.house.guests:james.nick.pat.

James, Nick, Pat 

(from right to left)

Jan 15 - 18, 2010

I've known James for some time now, and not only is he my son, but the co-father of our imaginary child. I was actually considering visiting Columbus over the long weekend for Dr. MLK Jr. Day, but could only find a rideshare to take me as far as Dayton. Not only that, but I would have had to skip some important classes. In a fit of indecision, I called James to get his opinion, and was informed that he, Pat and Nick were planning on coming to Chicago instead. Sometimes things just work out.

**********

Because I didn't have the time or effort to transcribe the half hour conversation the four of us had over dinner, I am instead going to include a link to an audio file that you can download and listen to at your leisure.

I know none of you will.

But for those of you that do, though, you will be treated to a conversation involving space lasers, angry Jimmy John's managers, and how Pat's haircut makes him look like a butch lesbian.

Click here to download interview audio 

Holding East

Holding East
Ruth Awad

I’d never seen my father on his knees except
during his daily prayers, his head to the rug
like a wild dog nosing for foodscraps, hunting
down God, until my mother stuffed her suitcase
full of socks and scrubs, pant leg caught in the lip.
From the hallway I watched my life unclasp:
my father shrouded in his flannel robe as my mother
loomed for a moment then stormed
around the bedroom, gathering her things.

Night swept in like curtains slowly closing.
No light from the stars, useless as snuffed candles.
My father paced the garden, past the wood violet
blooming lavender along the path, past lilacs
overtaking the fence. When he came back inside,
he scooped me in his arms and out to the car.
“A night-ride,” he said, but we circled the town
down side streets and houses of friends, looking
for her. I counted streetlamps that glowed
like little moons over us, my head pressed
against the glass blurred by my breath as we drove
through the night-fog, my father holding east.

.house.guest.interview.1:molly.

Molly

Thursday, 7 Jan 2010
 

I have decided that with enough house guests making a stop on our couch often enough, and with this blog being updated rarely enough, I will start interviewing whatever guests we have come our way. It also gives me an opportunity to learn to use the camera that Amanda was nice enough to loan me. And to procrastinate from doing actual schoolwork.

Molly was a good enough sport to up with some of my ineptness at doing this for the first time. Hopefully these things will get better with time. Happy 2kX everyone.

*********

Alright, so I guess we should start with your name.

My name is Molly.

Where are you coming from?

I'm coming from Minneapolis by way of North Carolina.

And North Carolina is where you live, right?

North Carolina is where I live and hopefully will get back to... soon.


Because of the snow?

Because of the snow, and Greyhound.


So I guess because it was just New Years, we should have a list of either your top resolutions or your top regrets.

I don't do much... resolutions, but I do have one. I feel like my biggest resolution is to not have expectations, fewer expectations and more trust in people.


That's almost like the oxymoron of resolutions. Is there anything that spurred that decision? or is it just kind of a general thing?

I have a friend who makes music and they just put out a cd called "Expectations Shmexpectations" that was great, and I think that was part of the inspiration for thinking about expectations and also like... feeling disappointed in people and realizing that... that's not necessary if I just kind of let bad things go and meet people where they're at, then that's less likely to happen.


You think this has anything to do with being in your last year of school and being tired of having expectations for yourself?


Maybe. Maybe it has more to do with being, having lived in the same place for like 4 or 5 years and wanting things to be a certain way and wanting people to be a certain way.

Are there any regrets you have over the past year? anything you'd change?

I feel like I had a good year. 2009 was ok.
...

No? You don't have to have one. If it was a good year, it was a good year.

haha, I think it was a good year.

I feel like starting with these two things, I want to keep listing things: best of 2009, worst of 2009... If you could count up your year.

My worst place I slept in 2009 was the Loreno airport in Texas. That was at the very beginning: January 2nd or 3rd.

What were you doing in Texas?

I was also passing through, trying to get-- I was coming from Mexico City to Buffalo, New York.

Sounds like a long ride.

It was a long ride. But I was on a plane. But bought my tickets in a way that didn't make any sense and so I ended up having to make a 12 hour layover in Loreno, TX, which is this tiny town, and the airport is like, maybe twice the size of your house.

I don't think I even know where that is in Texas. And I'm actually from Texas.


 It's on the border. There's Loreno and Lo Voy Loreno [sp?]. And I was like, eh! 12 hours, I'll just sleep in the airport; it'll be fine. But apparently the airport closes. And so I had this crazy conversation with the cops there about whether or not I had dead people in my bag and that we finally decided that because I was female they didn't want to just let me out into the world, so I could sleep in the airport, but they would be watching me.

So the airport actually closed?

The airport closed, but I slept on the floor.

I don't know how many airports I've been in that actually closed.

I know, I didn't expect it. That was the worst place I slept in 2009.

Did you actually get much sleeping done there?

No! And the weirdest--perhaps one of the weirdest--parts: at like 4 in the morning, this man who I don't know who he was, comes to me with a hambrger and a Coke, and said something like, "I thought you might be hungry." Haha, ok! It's like 4 in the morning. Thanks. I didn't eat it.


Oh, so the airport was open again at 4 in the morning?


Well, it was unclear. There were always people there. Like it was never totally empty. ...I don't know, it was a strange experience.

Probably not the best way to start your year.

No... but it was a good adventure.

Was that your first time in Mexico?

Mmhmm. Well, kind of. I had been the summer before. In 2008, I worked on the border, on the Mexican side, a 100 yards into Mexico.

So technically..

I had been there before, but hardly.

Did you need a passport to work on that side?

Yeah... No, you didn't. It was still the time where you could use your birth certificate and your driver's license.

Have they changed that recently?

Mmhmm. I think, summer of 2009? or January of 2009? was when they officially changed it so that you needed a passport to get into Mexico and Canada.

I remember hearing about Canada, about needing a passport, but I've always had one, so... I've not noticed if they transitioned or not.
What was the best thing that happened to you in 2009?

...

or are there competing things?

There're probably competing things. One of the best things: I don't really birthdays much for myself; I like other people's birthdays. But I was out in the Arizona desert for my birthday and people always find out it's your birthday, even if you aren't telling people, so everyone knew.

Especially with facebook.

That too. And people are just sneaky and figure it out. And so two of my friends had made a cake. But before that had happened, I had just gotten back from a walk, and it had been storming all afternoon, and I was soaked from walking in the rain. And I got back to camp in the middle of the desert where we were staying, and over the hill, was the most amazing rainbow I had ever seen: all the way across the sky. And it was so, so bright, and there was almost a second one clearly above it. So like a double rainbow that went all the way across the sky and the sky was still like really dark grey from the rain, and the sun was on the hills, and they were like bright green. It was really amazing. That was my birthday.

That's pretty awesome.

And it was a full moon.

I don't know why Emmet [my roommate Josh's dog] has decided now is the best time to be on my lap.

He wants to be involved.

Well, I guess this is the first interview thing, so I don't really have much prepared. Any closing remarks you want to make? One message to depart?

That... I don't know. Probably that Chicago is snowy.

What's one piece of advice you could give anyone?

Uh, don't ride Greyhound in snowy places in the winter time is a good idea for the future.

********

Molly's "top five things I'd like to change in 2010":

fewer expectations of other people-
more art projects-
more anonymous notes and gifts, extra points if they're attached to parked bikes-
prisons all fall down-
the border melts back into the desert and people come and go as they please-
more adventures in the middle of the night-
more surprise visits from friends near and far-
less time in greyhound stations-